To say it has been a long time would be an understatement... Talk about starting something and never finishing. I guess I will give this a try yet again in the hopes of sticking with it. So here I go again...
Today I decided to remove myself from Social Media, as in Facebook. I am still trying to decide if I want to remain on Instagram but maybe in a different way. Instagram is different but still so much the same, it may get booted too.
I made a commitment to myself as of my birthday this year to be my true self. For years I have been my censored self, my public self, the self that people like. But if I am to be honest, I don't really like that self, it's just not who I am. I'm not a social person by nature but my censored self is, or rather was. I prefer small settings and intimate relationships to large crowds and small talk. I DESPISE SMALL TALK. Surface conversations say very little about someone or reveal their heart. So in making this commitment to myself I have decided to start this again. Why? Who really knows why we do anything... Maybe I want to write to myself, get a few things off my chest, and this is how I've decided to do it. Honestly, no one reads this blog so it really is written to me.
In making this commitment to be my true self I had to reflect on who my true self really is and determine what she looks like... I also had to decide if I even liked her. I'm not the most likeable person you see, I tend to come across stand offish and judgmental; when in all honestly I could care less about your personal choices and I am genuinely shy. They are your choices and as long as they don't directly affect me or mine then those choices are none of my business. I've realized as of late that I don't really like who I am, in the sense of things I have come to accept or settle for. I am someone that likes boundaries, they create distance between myself and the things that I am not comfortable with. In most cases my boundaries are extremely clear and well defined. But that has not been the case for the past several months or maybe even years. I've allowed my boundaries to bend to save face or to build bridges. I'm not a bridge builder if anything I am a bridge burner. I have come to tolerate things that in years past would have been boundary breakers just to appease the hierarchy that is life. I don't care about the hierarchy so why am I bending for it? To be honest, I think it has to do with acceptance.
Acceptance is a tricky issue. We all desperately want it even if we try to deny it. But what are we willing to sacrifice to get it? I've always deeply desired acceptance which probably says a lot about a deeper issue but I have also nearly almost rejected acceptance. I long for it and then I almost force the people around me to prove that they want me... How sick and twisted is that? In playing this totally jacked up cat and mouse game I have come to find people in my life that I don't want there or people not in my life who I deeply wish were here. But how do I stop this game? And here in lies the questions and the commitment to being my true self.
They say the truth will set you free and that honesty is always the best policy. I agree with both of these philosophies and generally abide by them. But what happens when the truth HURTS?? When it creates more problems instead of reducing them? What happens when truth only causes destruction? Should we then really abide by the rules and let honesty be the best policy? I don't really know the answer to that... And I may never really know it. I may live my whole life wondering about this very topic. Let's look at it from this angle, what if your truth and my truth are two completely different things? What if we cannot agree on what truth really is? Perspective and perception make up how we view everything and ultimately what we see as truth. So what happens when our truths collide? Who is right and who is wrong? Do we both agree to disagree knowing that we can never have absolute truth or be united in truth? So lets say my truth is completely different than yours and I decide that my truth will set us free. But then my truth completely crushes you. What then? So I guess the question is, what truths do we share and what truths do we keep to ourselves? And how do my truths equate to my commitment?
I have spent the last few months feeling completely lost. I've created battle lines all around myself and dared people to cross them. I've kept myself locked away, hidden, and silent. It's no secret to most of the people around me that something has changed, even those that I consider foes have seen the shift. Yet very few have asked about it... here is the game again. Me expecting people to chase me and ask me instead of me chasing them. But the sad thing about the game is that I honestly don't want to share anything I just want to feel as though someone cares... someone sees. How sick is that? How manipulative is that behavior? Yet I continue it. What has happened more times than not is that someone not worthy of my honesty asks the right questions when I am at my weakest. And instead of using the good, sound judgment I pride myself in, I spew details that they are not trustworthy enough to receive. Oh those moments infuriate me... they eat at me, they haunt me, and I cannot take them back. I'm sick of this game which is why I must be me. I must be my true self. I mustn't play into the hands of those that could honestly careless. I must hold my tongue, contain my truths for a later time, and return to identifying who truly is a friend and who is a foe.
I must also seek healing. I must tear back the band aids that hold things in place in an attempt to conceal. In the words of Taylor Swift, "band aids don't fix bullet holes..." And I've got a few of those... I've got several in the same place but inflicted at different times and in different ways. I've given myself a few of them and allowed others to inflict them as well. I'm sick of saving face, playing nice, and being put together. I am a mess!!! A beautiful mess, but still a mess. So here goes nothing, it's time to be my true self. And beyond that, it is time to let this mess be cleaned up.
A glimpse into my world as I explore the depths of my thoughts & navigate this thing we call life.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Sunday, July 21, 2013
What does it mean to be content?? What is contentment???
"I’m glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you’re again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:10-13
Contentment is defined as an emotional or mental state of satisfaction; peace of mind; willing to accept the circumstances. Contentment is a word that most people I have known struggle to grasp. Contentment goes against something innate that longs for more or refuse to accept something 'as is'. Contentment can strike fear into the heart making us feel stuck in this state of now.
What does it mean to be content? What is true contentment? How do we become content? Paul said that in ALL things he learned to be content, in lack and in plenty, in sickness and in health, in trail and in peace. But how did he learn to be content? How did he learn to take a circumstance for exactly what it was and find happiness? I believe that contentment is truly a matter of the heart and a battle of the mind. Contentment cannot be passed down or given as a gift. Contentment must be learned, practiced, and developed. How can someone truly learn to be content? How can they practice contentment? How can they develop it?
For me contentment has been hard. I have often confused contentment with complacency. At times I have looked at a situation and thought "It is what it is and this is just how it is going to be. I can't change it so I need to get over it," and became settled in that situation. That is complacency. Contentment for me is looking at that same situation and saying "This is the current situation but it will not be like this forever. In spite of what is happening now my heart will be filled with joy and will seek His will." It is taking what the world has dealt you and making the most of it... Contentment is not laying down and dying, it is not saying that you are settled here. Contentment is saying that in everything I will have peace, joy, hope, and happiness... it is always seeing the bright side. Complacency is stagnancy, lacking forward motion. Contentment is peace with foresight and forward mindedness.
So how do we become content? First off we must decipher the state of our hearts. Have we become complacent and lost forward movement? Have we accepted our current circumstance as final with no change in sight? Then we must prune the areas where complacency has taken hold and identify the root of it... Are we complacent because of lack of trust, bitterness, anger, hurt, etc? The only way to overcome those things is to truly allow God to do a healing in our hearts. The process may be painful but living in those things is more painful and killing us from the inside out. Secondly, we must fill our minds with the weapons (scriptures) that we need to equip us for our current situation. Find resources (ie books, dvds, cds, people) that can help build up our faith in the arena that we are fighting. And then finally, We must recognize that there is nothing within ourselves that can bring contentment and that true contentment comes only through a personal relationship with Christ. The more we are in relationship with Him the more content we will be in life. When we are so filled up with Him, His Word, and His Spirit then our happiness and joy is not based on what we have or do not have; it is not based on a person or the lack of people; it is solely based on Who HE is in us, around us, and through us.
So now we know how Paul learned to be content... He communioned with the Father. He emptied himself of Paul and filled himself with Christ. Whenever I am struggling with my attitude about a situation or find my faith is weak I am quickly reminded that I have not emptied myself of me and filled up with Him. When complaining sets in, when complacency starts to creep in, when dissatisfaction rears its ugly head I know what I have not done correctly.
Contentment is not looking at sickness and saying you are ok with being sick. It is looking at sickness and saying in spite of you I will rejoice... no matter what may come my happiness is not based on the outcome. Contentment is saying even in times of lack I will praise, I will have a thankful heart, I will keep my mind stayed on Him. Contentment is saying that in times of waiting our hope is in Him... when our faith becomes weak His is our strength.
Praying you find contentment with whatever place you are at in life. And that your heart is filled with peace that calms the storms.
Contentment is defined as an emotional or mental state of satisfaction; peace of mind; willing to accept the circumstances. Contentment is a word that most people I have known struggle to grasp. Contentment goes against something innate that longs for more or refuse to accept something 'as is'. Contentment can strike fear into the heart making us feel stuck in this state of now.
What does it mean to be content? What is true contentment? How do we become content? Paul said that in ALL things he learned to be content, in lack and in plenty, in sickness and in health, in trail and in peace. But how did he learn to be content? How did he learn to take a circumstance for exactly what it was and find happiness? I believe that contentment is truly a matter of the heart and a battle of the mind. Contentment cannot be passed down or given as a gift. Contentment must be learned, practiced, and developed. How can someone truly learn to be content? How can they practice contentment? How can they develop it?
For me contentment has been hard. I have often confused contentment with complacency. At times I have looked at a situation and thought "It is what it is and this is just how it is going to be. I can't change it so I need to get over it," and became settled in that situation. That is complacency. Contentment for me is looking at that same situation and saying "This is the current situation but it will not be like this forever. In spite of what is happening now my heart will be filled with joy and will seek His will." It is taking what the world has dealt you and making the most of it... Contentment is not laying down and dying, it is not saying that you are settled here. Contentment is saying that in everything I will have peace, joy, hope, and happiness... it is always seeing the bright side. Complacency is stagnancy, lacking forward motion. Contentment is peace with foresight and forward mindedness.
So how do we become content? First off we must decipher the state of our hearts. Have we become complacent and lost forward movement? Have we accepted our current circumstance as final with no change in sight? Then we must prune the areas where complacency has taken hold and identify the root of it... Are we complacent because of lack of trust, bitterness, anger, hurt, etc? The only way to overcome those things is to truly allow God to do a healing in our hearts. The process may be painful but living in those things is more painful and killing us from the inside out. Secondly, we must fill our minds with the weapons (scriptures) that we need to equip us for our current situation. Find resources (ie books, dvds, cds, people) that can help build up our faith in the arena that we are fighting. And then finally, We must recognize that there is nothing within ourselves that can bring contentment and that true contentment comes only through a personal relationship with Christ. The more we are in relationship with Him the more content we will be in life. When we are so filled up with Him, His Word, and His Spirit then our happiness and joy is not based on what we have or do not have; it is not based on a person or the lack of people; it is solely based on Who HE is in us, around us, and through us.
So now we know how Paul learned to be content... He communioned with the Father. He emptied himself of Paul and filled himself with Christ. Whenever I am struggling with my attitude about a situation or find my faith is weak I am quickly reminded that I have not emptied myself of me and filled up with Him. When complaining sets in, when complacency starts to creep in, when dissatisfaction rears its ugly head I know what I have not done correctly.
Contentment is not looking at sickness and saying you are ok with being sick. It is looking at sickness and saying in spite of you I will rejoice... no matter what may come my happiness is not based on the outcome. Contentment is saying even in times of lack I will praise, I will have a thankful heart, I will keep my mind stayed on Him. Contentment is saying that in times of waiting our hope is in Him... when our faith becomes weak His is our strength.
Praying you find contentment with whatever place you are at in life. And that your heart is filled with peace that calms the storms.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I am not sure if any of you Homeschooling Families out there have heard about these great giveaways but I wanted to take a second and share them with you...
There are 35 giveaways and you can enter as many of them as you want. I entered ALL of them!!
(1) Back to School Toolkit from Milk and Cookies
(2) Back to School Toolkit from These Temporary Tents
(3) Back to School Toolkit from Spell Outloud
(4) Back to School Toolkit from Great Peace Academy
(5) Back to School Toolkit from Gricefully Homeschooling
(7) Back to School Toolkit from WriteShop
(8) Back to School Toolkit from Preschoolers and Peace
(9) Back to School Toolkit from Starts at Eight
(10) Back to School Toolkit from Joyful Mothering
(12) Back to School Toolkit from Ponder the Path
(13) Back to School Toolkit from Forever, For Always, No Matter What
(14) Back to School Toolkit from Tina’s Dynamic Homeschool Plus
(15) Back to School Toolkit from Habits for a Happy Home
(17) Back to School Toolkit from See Jamie Blog
(18) Back to School Toolkit from Beautiful Motherhood
(19) Back to School Toolkit from Sam’s Noggin
(20) Back to School Toolkit from This Reading Mama
(22) Back to School Toolkit from Adorable Chaos
(23) Back to School Toolkit from The Pelsers
(24) Back to School Toolkit from Hodge Podge
(25) Back to School Toolkit from Sallie Borrink
(27) Back to School Toolkit from Flourish
(28) Back to School Toolkit from Our Journey Westward
(29) Back to School Toolkit from Meet Penny
(30) Back to School Toolkit from On Faith and Coffee
(32) Back to School Toolkit from Holistic Homeschooler
(33) Back to School Toolkit from The Encouraging Home
(34) Back to School Toolkit from Motherhood on a Dime
(35) Back to School Toolkit from The Homeschool Scientist
(1) Back to School Toolkit from Milk and Cookies
(2) Back to School Toolkit from These Temporary Tents
(3) Back to School Toolkit from Spell Outloud
(4) Back to School Toolkit from Great Peace Academy
(5) Back to School Toolkit from Gricefully Homeschooling
(7) Back to School Toolkit from WriteShop
(8) Back to School Toolkit from Preschoolers and Peace
(9) Back to School Toolkit from Starts at Eight
(10) Back to School Toolkit from Joyful Mothering
(12) Back to School Toolkit from Ponder the Path
(13) Back to School Toolkit from Forever, For Always, No Matter What
(14) Back to School Toolkit from Tina’s Dynamic Homeschool Plus
(15) Back to School Toolkit from Habits for a Happy Home
(17) Back to School Toolkit from See Jamie Blog
(18) Back to School Toolkit from Beautiful Motherhood
(19) Back to School Toolkit from Sam’s Noggin
(20) Back to School Toolkit from This Reading Mama
(22) Back to School Toolkit from Adorable Chaos
(23) Back to School Toolkit from The Pelsers
(24) Back to School Toolkit from Hodge Podge
(25) Back to School Toolkit from Sallie Borrink
(27) Back to School Toolkit from Flourish
(28) Back to School Toolkit from Our Journey Westward
(29) Back to School Toolkit from Meet Penny
(30) Back to School Toolkit from On Faith and Coffee
(32) Back to School Toolkit from Holistic Homeschooler
(33) Back to School Toolkit from The Encouraging Home
(34) Back to School Toolkit from Motherhood on a Dime
(35) Back to School Toolkit from The Homeschool Scientist
There are 35 giveaways and you can enter as many of them as you want. I entered ALL of them!!
(1) Back to School Toolkit from Milk and Cookies
(2) Back to School Toolkit from These Temporary Tents
(3) Back to School Toolkit from Spell Outloud
(4) Back to School Toolkit from Great Peace Academy
(5) Back to School Toolkit from Gricefully Homeschooling
……
(6) Back to School Toolkit from Raising Lifelong Learners(7) Back to School Toolkit from WriteShop
(8) Back to School Toolkit from Preschoolers and Peace
(9) Back to School Toolkit from Starts at Eight
(10) Back to School Toolkit from Joyful Mothering
……
(11) Back to School Toolkit from Harrington Harmonies(12) Back to School Toolkit from Ponder the Path
(13) Back to School Toolkit from Forever, For Always, No Matter What
(14) Back to School Toolkit from Tina’s Dynamic Homeschool Plus
(15) Back to School Toolkit from Habits for a Happy Home
……
(16) Back to School Toolkit from Curriculum Choice(17) Back to School Toolkit from See Jamie Blog
(18) Back to School Toolkit from Beautiful Motherhood
(19) Back to School Toolkit from Sam’s Noggin
(20) Back to School Toolkit from This Reading Mama
……
(21) Back to School Toolkit from Teaching Mama(22) Back to School Toolkit from Adorable Chaos
(23) Back to School Toolkit from The Pelsers
(24) Back to School Toolkit from Hodge Podge
(25) Back to School Toolkit from Sallie Borrink
……
(26) Back to School Toolkit from The Kennedy Adventures(27) Back to School Toolkit from Flourish
(28) Back to School Toolkit from Our Journey Westward
(29) Back to School Toolkit from Meet Penny
(30) Back to School Toolkit from On Faith and Coffee
……
(31) Back to School Toolkit from Our Abundant Blessings(32) Back to School Toolkit from Holistic Homeschooler
(33) Back to School Toolkit from The Encouraging Home
(34) Back to School Toolkit from Motherhood on a Dime
(35) Back to School Toolkit from The Homeschool Scientist
(1) Back to School Toolkit from Milk and Cookies
(2) Back to School Toolkit from These Temporary Tents
(3) Back to School Toolkit from Spell Outloud
(4) Back to School Toolkit from Great Peace Academy
(5) Back to School Toolkit from Gricefully Homeschooling
……
(6) Back to School Toolkit from Raising Lifelong Learners(7) Back to School Toolkit from WriteShop
(8) Back to School Toolkit from Preschoolers and Peace
(9) Back to School Toolkit from Starts at Eight
(10) Back to School Toolkit from Joyful Mothering
……
(11) Back to School Toolkit from Harrington Harmonies(12) Back to School Toolkit from Ponder the Path
(13) Back to School Toolkit from Forever, For Always, No Matter What
(14) Back to School Toolkit from Tina’s Dynamic Homeschool Plus
(15) Back to School Toolkit from Habits for a Happy Home
……
(16) Back to School Toolkit from Curriculum Choice(17) Back to School Toolkit from See Jamie Blog
(18) Back to School Toolkit from Beautiful Motherhood
(19) Back to School Toolkit from Sam’s Noggin
(20) Back to School Toolkit from This Reading Mama
……
(21) Back to School Toolkit from Teaching Mama(22) Back to School Toolkit from Adorable Chaos
(23) Back to School Toolkit from The Pelsers
(24) Back to School Toolkit from Hodge Podge
(25) Back to School Toolkit from Sallie Borrink
……
(26) Back to School Toolkit from The Kennedy Adventures(27) Back to School Toolkit from Flourish
(28) Back to School Toolkit from Our Journey Westward
(29) Back to School Toolkit from Meet Penny
(30) Back to School Toolkit from On Faith and Coffee
……
(31) Back to School Toolkit from Our Abundant Blessings(32) Back to School Toolkit from Holistic Homeschooler
(33) Back to School Toolkit from The Encouraging Home
(34) Back to School Toolkit from Motherhood on a Dime
(35) Back to School Toolkit from The Homeschool Scientist
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