Trying this again

To say it has been a long time would be an understatement... Talk about starting something and never finishing. I guess I will give this a try yet again in the hopes of sticking with it. So here I go again...


Today I decided to remove myself from Social Media, as in Facebook. I am still trying to decide if I want to remain on Instagram but maybe in a different way. Instagram is different but still so much the same, it may get booted too.


I made a commitment to myself as of my birthday this year to be my true self. For years I have been my censored self, my public self, the self that people like. But if I am to be honest, I don't really like that self, it's just not who I am. I'm not a social person by nature but my censored self is, or rather was. I prefer small settings and intimate relationships to large crowds and small talk. I DESPISE SMALL TALK. Surface conversations say very little about someone or reveal their heart. So in making this commitment to myself I have decided to start this again. Why? Who really knows why we do anything... Maybe I want to write to myself, get a few things off my chest, and this is how I've decided to do it. Honestly, no one reads this blog so it really is written to me.


In making this commitment to be my true self I had to reflect on who my true self really is and determine what she looks like... I also had to decide if I even liked her. I'm not the most likeable person you see, I tend to come across stand offish and judgmental; when in all honestly I could care less about your personal choices and I am genuinely shy. They are your choices and as long as they don't directly affect me or mine then those choices are none of my business. I've realized as of late that I don't really like who I am, in the sense of things I have come to accept or settle for. I am someone that likes boundaries, they create distance between myself and the things that I am not comfortable with. In most cases my boundaries are extremely clear and well defined. But that has not been the case for the past several months or maybe even years. I've allowed my boundaries to bend to save face or to build bridges. I'm not a bridge builder if anything I am a bridge burner. I have come to tolerate things that in years past would have been boundary breakers just to appease the hierarchy that is life. I don't care about the hierarchy so why am I bending for it? To be honest, I think it has to do with acceptance.


Acceptance is a tricky issue. We all desperately want it even if we try to deny it. But what are we willing to sacrifice to get it? I've always deeply desired acceptance which probably says a lot about a deeper issue but I have also nearly almost rejected acceptance. I long for it and then I almost force the people around me to prove that they want me... How sick and twisted is that? In playing this totally jacked up cat and mouse game I have come to find people in my life that I don't want there or people not in my life who I deeply wish were here. But how do I stop this game? And here in lies the questions and the commitment to being my true self.


They say the truth will set you free and that honesty is always the best policy. I agree with both of these philosophies and generally abide by them. But what happens when the truth HURTS?? When it creates more problems instead of reducing them? What happens when truth only causes destruction? Should we then really abide by the rules and let honesty be the best policy? I don't really know the answer to that... And I may never really know it. I may live my whole life wondering about this very topic. Let's look at it from this angle, what if your truth and my truth are two completely different things? What if we cannot agree on what truth really is? Perspective and perception make up how we view everything and ultimately what we see as truth. So what happens when our truths collide? Who is right and who is wrong? Do we both agree to disagree knowing that we can never have absolute truth or be united in truth? So lets say my truth is completely different than yours and I decide that my truth will set us free. But then my truth completely crushes you. What then? So I guess the question is, what truths do we share and what truths do we keep to ourselves? And how do my truths equate to my commitment?


I have spent the last few months feeling completely lost. I've created battle lines all around myself and dared people to cross them. I've kept myself locked away, hidden, and silent. It's no secret to most of the people around me that something has changed, even those that I consider foes have seen the shift. Yet very few have asked about it... here is the game again. Me expecting people to chase me and ask me instead of me chasing them. But the sad thing about the game is that I honestly don't want to share anything I just want to feel as though someone cares... someone sees. How sick is that? How manipulative is that behavior? Yet I continue it. What has happened more times than not is that someone not worthy of my honesty asks the right questions when I am at my weakest. And instead of using the good, sound judgment I pride myself in, I spew details that they are not trustworthy enough to receive. Oh those moments infuriate me... they eat at me, they haunt me, and I cannot take them back. I'm sick of this game which is why I must be me. I must be my true self. I mustn't play into the hands of those that could honestly careless. I must hold my tongue, contain my truths for a later time, and return to identifying who truly is a friend and who is a foe.


I must also seek healing. I must tear back the band aids that hold things in place in an attempt to conceal. In the words of Taylor Swift, "band aids don't fix bullet holes..." And I've got a few of those... I've got several in the same place but inflicted at different times and in different ways. I've given myself a few of them and allowed others to inflict them as well. I'm sick of saving face, playing nice, and being put together. I am a mess!!! A beautiful mess, but still a mess. So here goes nothing, it's time to be my true self. And beyond that, it is time to let this mess be cleaned up.