Confessions of a Not So SuperMom Part Two



My Sink Today

 Hello Everyone!!! Long time no blogging. Hope that everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving and is enjoying the kick off to the Christmas season. We have almost completed all of our Christmas shopping and are still under budget!!! Whoa!!

So today has been yet another adventurous day in the life of a SAHM, stay at home mom.  Jensen was sleeping through the night but has decided that he wants to start waking up again for at least one feeding so my sleep has once again became crazy.  Emma, Brady, and Everett have all been in some kind of funk that produces bad behavior and mood swings, a funk called childhood. That funk showed itself strong today and I engaged in battle upon waking up this morning. It is only 4ish here and I feel as though it should be later because the battle raged hard today and I am mentally exhausted. But as you can see per the photo of my sink I did arise VICTORIOUS!!!! Well in the arena of dishes at least.

So let's continue this game of confessions. I feel as though I am engaging in a game of truth or dare but I am the only player and truth comes around more than dare. Dare was evidently the theme of my last confessions because I dared myself to expose things thru photos... Man those were some scary pictures.

Confession 5: If you missed 1-4 check out the other entry. I struggle with seeing myself as God sees me. I know, I know this does not seem like a big confession but let me contradict your assumptions about the level of this confession. I have what some call a strong personality but really what I have is a big mouth. I talk and I talk ALOT!!! And on top of talking a ton I am also opinionated. So people assume because I talk and share my views on everything from grass mowing to the gospel that I am some secure, confident person. Nope, Nada, totally not true. Life has definitely dealt me some wicked blows throughout my almost 28yrs and when you come from crazy your thinking gets jacked up. And I totally come from crazy, not little crazy either, like totally whacked out mental home kind of crazy. So having come from that kind of crazy causes me to struggle at times with seeing myself as the woman that God has created me to be. There are some super great things about myself, if you want to know what they are ask someone else because I can't tell you any at least not any that matter in the grand scheme of life. I have a great memory and can remember tons of stuff. I can rattle off useless facts about tons of things. But what does that matter when it comes to seeing myself as God sees me? I read a book "Lord I want to be Whole." by Stormie O'Martian and it totally helped me to see who I am in Christ but lets face it, old habits die hard. So this is an issue I battle with on a regular basis as do most women, I suspect. As I have said many times before, I am a harsh judger of myself so that tends to trip me up along the way. There is one thing I must say about this confession though that I have to remind myself of often; When I question my abilities or fail to see myself through God's eyes I am saying to God that He messed up, that He got it wrong. How prideful of me to do that... to question or undervalue God's creation. I may not be perfect but I am His workmanship and I must bask in the beauty of Him.

Confession 6:  I come from crazy. Yes that is what I said, I come from CRAZYYY!!! But where I come from is not where I am today or even who I am today. I am not defined by the crazy places or people that I come from. Some of you come from crazy too and you can totally relate to what crazy looks like. I have little to no contact with my family with the exception of an few members that taught how to get out of crazy. I have had to remove those people from my life because crazy can be contagious or at least the kind of crazy that I come from. The crazy that I come from is not just dysfunctional parents that fight or divorce but the kind of crazy that leaves scars, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual scars. When I was a teenager I remember counting down the days until college so I could leave & NEVER return to crazyville, aka hell. I worked a full time job and pushed myself to get good grades so that I could ensure my escape. Needless to say I did not get to escape until several painful years later and the escape came only after much blood, sweat, and tears were shed. Some people know bits and pieces of what crazy entailed for me and yet others have no clue but are probably coming to their own conclusions. All I can say about coming from crazy is that I have such a great appreciation for who God is, How much He loves me, and what He has done in my life. Some of you didn't have any clue I was brought up crazy because God has removed the crazy and made me an all new shinier version of Helena.

So as I reflect on the confessions of today I am happy to say that I am proud to be me. I am a big bundle of awkward at times, full of my doubts and insecurities but I am God's "special" child. I am His short bus rider!!! I am a work in progress always striving to get further and further away from crazy and closer and closer to Him because as I decrease He increases. I hope to one day be like the one that looks in the mirror but does not see his own reflection but the reflection of His Grace. And I hope that you too will one day look at me and not see me but merely a reflection of Him in me.

Good Day!!!
Helena

"made a wrong turn once or twice
dug my way out , blood and fire
bad decisions, thats alright
welcome to my silly life

mistreated, this place misunderstood
miss knowing its all good
it didn't slow me down.
miss taken , always second guessing
underestimated, look im still around"