God is Gracious

 While rocking Jensen to sleep this morning my mind began to wander back to this time last year. I could not help but consider how life is so very different this year than last year. For starters, Jensen is here and he was not even conceived at this point last year. So that is a huge change and possibly the most significant change. But without the other changes Jensen being here would never have happened.

Right at a year ago I was facing an uphill battle in every area of my life. I was a mom with 3 kids trying to navigate life as a single person in the midst of a very crazy divorce. I had just moved me & the kids to a new home, taken on extra time at work to make ends meet, and wondering where it had all gone wrong. So there I was trying to hang on to the threads of my quickly deteriorating existence. (I only knew myself as a wife and a mother you see, so my existence was wrapped up in those two things. And for me I could not be one without the other, they were interlocked.) As I am trying to keep things from slipping out of control another blow is thrown and I begin to question my ability to do all of this. We were told that Everett, then 2 yrs old, possibly had leukemia and were sent immediately to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital to undergo testing. So as I drive to the hospital with Everett in the backseat and Jerry following behind in his car I can barely hold it together. All I can think is "Really God? Really? I am about to be divorced. I have little to no income, Emma has only been out of the hospital for 7wks. I cannot do this. Seriously God, what is going on?" Anger begins to fill my mind as fear tries to overtake me. I want to scream, cry, punch something or someone but of course I can't, Everett is watching. So I smile and say to myself "Just fake it til you make it." That day was very hard on so many levels. All things turned out to be fine with Everett but I remained shaken.

Within a few short days after that incident Jerry and I entered into a very intense round of discussion about where things were heading. We had gone to counseling yet we were still on the path to divorce; which was not what either of us wanted but neither of us knew how to repair things. So as we discussed the impending future we found common ground, something that had been missing for far too long. That common ground became our new start and a friendship began again. Within a few short weeks of that new start Jerry had his first weekend back home and more common ground was discovered. As we took steps towards friendship bridges began to form and hope became possible. And as hope became possible love began to return. Jerry moved home for good within a matter of weeks and we started down the journey of healing and reconciliation.

It was during that journey that we found out about Jensen. I can say with all honesty that I was scared beyond belief when we found out that we were pregnant, the timing was not ideal. But seeing Jerry's response made the timing not so bad. As we started preparing for our new arrival Jerry and I talked a lot about grace. What grace was, why it mattered so much to us personally, and how grace is so undeserved. So when it came time to pick a name for our sweet little man we did what all expecting parents do, we made a list of every name we liked. Slowly we discussed them but nothing seemed to fit. I had mentioned the name Jensen to Jerry early on in the naming process but he quickly checked it off the list. Well one day while eating breakfast Jerry is reading the sports section and casually says "What do you think about the name Jensen?" I casual smirk and remind him of his dismissal of the name just weeks prior but I also looked up what the Jensen meant. As I began to read aloud the meaning of the name I started to cry. Jensen means God is Gracious... wow!!! There it was, the perfect name. A name that embodied exactly what we had experienced, Grace. So it was settled our little man officially had a name, Jensen Lee which means God is Gracious and Loving.

So while rocking Jensen Lee today I was not reminded of pain from a year ago but of grace and love. Webster's Dictionary tells us that grace is goodwill, favor, compassion, a showing of kindness. It even says that grace can be interpreted as God's love towards man. Jerry and I chose the name Jensen for what it means to us but grace at that level is not just limited to us. As you see Jensen in these pictures think of how God has been gracious to you. Think of how you may have been so undeserving but God extend His wonderful grace and love out and met you where you were. And if you are in need of some grace think of us and let our experience be an example of grace.