Deep Thoughts Never Shared

In an earlier blog I shared where my life was at this time last year. This morning I came across some journal entries from around the same time and I have decided to share them as my blog entry today. I know several people who have been going through similar situations as I was a year ago and they may not know how to verbalize or even understand all the emotions they are experiencing. Maybe by reading some of what I was going through they can get a little clarity or maybe a little peace. These entries are raw and hard for me to read even now so please read them with grace and understanding not judgement.

"Tonight as I walk through this house and take in the view I realize life does go on, but it doesn't always go where you thought it would go. Life takes turns when you want to go straight and straightens out when you are in the midst of turning.

This is not an easy road, being alone, realizing what that means. How do you do something you've never done before? How do you plan for the future when it is so dark you cannot even imagine it? Fear is not a factor nor is doubt but uncertainty has a way of pushing those things on you. It is not the fear of being alone it's wondering if I will be good at it. I'm not sixteen closing the door on a small relationship, I am a mother making choices that affect so much more than myself. To weigh in the balance all the unknowns, all the possibilities as well as all the risks, it's crazy.

Do I do what everyone says I should do and possibly detour myself again? Or do I hold tight to what I have the leading to do? The opinion of others is weighing so heavy on me. How can I please them but remain true to this? Why do I even care what they think? Who are they anyways? The mob of people who only see the surface of the issue and assume it is resolved through a few steps in the right direction. What if the chapter is done, door closed and I am only fighting to keep it open for someone else's desire or approval. So much has happened yet so much remain hidden. How to make them understand without revealing all that should stay buried? This battle rages inside of me daily... Let it close or fight to pry it open?

I do not generally seek mans approval but it feels as if everyone has or wants a stake in this claim. How do I not let their opinions weigh on me? How do I separate myself from their view of me? Have they walked this road? Have they felt this pain? Have they faced the obstacles that I am facing? How can they say which way is right or wrong? How can they choose sides when they don't know all there is to know? Oh the pressure to please and be pleasing... horrible pressure. I cannot make everyone happy I cannot even make me happy. I wish their opinions, their thoughts, and their ideals would get off me. This is not your life, it's not your fight. Keep your opinion of my choices to yourself. I struggle enough with my own mind, my own thoughts that I don't need to struggle with yours too.

Peace... does anyone even care that I have peace? Do they care that I am the one that remained? I am the one who had to pick up the pieces, though it was God who gave me the strength. I am the one who held it together for the kids while life was crashing in on me. Do they know about the nights I didn't sleep, cried for hours and begged God to just give me rest? Do they know about the agony my heart bared and how I felt that without God I would not be able to take my next breath. They don't know how hard it was to smile in the midst of the crowd while loneliness was eating me alive."

The next entry is a few days later...

"Life has a way of dealing you some tough blows. But how we respond to those blows is how we find out what we are made of, where our foundations lie.

As I embark on a journey unlike any other I have been on before I realize this will possibly be the most difficult. This journey could bring an end to my life as I know it. This journey could be the ending of a chapter, the closing of a door per say. Most journey's begin at the beginning but mine feels as though it is beginning at the end. The story has been told, plots unfolded, climax in place but how to wrap it up... find the closure? How do you tie up the loose ends of what has become your life? How do you close the cover on your own story?

I find peace in knowing that my whole life story is not made up of just these events, it does not consist of just what has already come. I have more pages to write in this book called life. More mountains to climb, valley's to cross, and battles to win. But to feel an end come to a chapter you thought was the core of your story is hard. Where to begin again? Where to find the next path or direction to take?

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end... closing time.""

As I said before, maybe my ability to verbalize my thoughts and emotions will help someone else on a similar journey. Praying for all of you that read this and are walking a similar road, praying you find comfort and peace.