Confessions of a Not So SuperMom Part Two



My Sink Today

 Hello Everyone!!! Long time no blogging. Hope that everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving and is enjoying the kick off to the Christmas season. We have almost completed all of our Christmas shopping and are still under budget!!! Whoa!!

So today has been yet another adventurous day in the life of a SAHM, stay at home mom.  Jensen was sleeping through the night but has decided that he wants to start waking up again for at least one feeding so my sleep has once again became crazy.  Emma, Brady, and Everett have all been in some kind of funk that produces bad behavior and mood swings, a funk called childhood. That funk showed itself strong today and I engaged in battle upon waking up this morning. It is only 4ish here and I feel as though it should be later because the battle raged hard today and I am mentally exhausted. But as you can see per the photo of my sink I did arise VICTORIOUS!!!! Well in the arena of dishes at least.

So let's continue this game of confessions. I feel as though I am engaging in a game of truth or dare but I am the only player and truth comes around more than dare. Dare was evidently the theme of my last confessions because I dared myself to expose things thru photos... Man those were some scary pictures.

Confession 5: If you missed 1-4 check out the other entry. I struggle with seeing myself as God sees me. I know, I know this does not seem like a big confession but let me contradict your assumptions about the level of this confession. I have what some call a strong personality but really what I have is a big mouth. I talk and I talk ALOT!!! And on top of talking a ton I am also opinionated. So people assume because I talk and share my views on everything from grass mowing to the gospel that I am some secure, confident person. Nope, Nada, totally not true. Life has definitely dealt me some wicked blows throughout my almost 28yrs and when you come from crazy your thinking gets jacked up. And I totally come from crazy, not little crazy either, like totally whacked out mental home kind of crazy. So having come from that kind of crazy causes me to struggle at times with seeing myself as the woman that God has created me to be. There are some super great things about myself, if you want to know what they are ask someone else because I can't tell you any at least not any that matter in the grand scheme of life. I have a great memory and can remember tons of stuff. I can rattle off useless facts about tons of things. But what does that matter when it comes to seeing myself as God sees me? I read a book "Lord I want to be Whole." by Stormie O'Martian and it totally helped me to see who I am in Christ but lets face it, old habits die hard. So this is an issue I battle with on a regular basis as do most women, I suspect. As I have said many times before, I am a harsh judger of myself so that tends to trip me up along the way. There is one thing I must say about this confession though that I have to remind myself of often; When I question my abilities or fail to see myself through God's eyes I am saying to God that He messed up, that He got it wrong. How prideful of me to do that... to question or undervalue God's creation. I may not be perfect but I am His workmanship and I must bask in the beauty of Him.

Confession 6:  I come from crazy. Yes that is what I said, I come from CRAZYYY!!! But where I come from is not where I am today or even who I am today. I am not defined by the crazy places or people that I come from. Some of you come from crazy too and you can totally relate to what crazy looks like. I have little to no contact with my family with the exception of an few members that taught how to get out of crazy. I have had to remove those people from my life because crazy can be contagious or at least the kind of crazy that I come from. The crazy that I come from is not just dysfunctional parents that fight or divorce but the kind of crazy that leaves scars, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual scars. When I was a teenager I remember counting down the days until college so I could leave & NEVER return to crazyville, aka hell. I worked a full time job and pushed myself to get good grades so that I could ensure my escape. Needless to say I did not get to escape until several painful years later and the escape came only after much blood, sweat, and tears were shed. Some people know bits and pieces of what crazy entailed for me and yet others have no clue but are probably coming to their own conclusions. All I can say about coming from crazy is that I have such a great appreciation for who God is, How much He loves me, and what He has done in my life. Some of you didn't have any clue I was brought up crazy because God has removed the crazy and made me an all new shinier version of Helena.

So as I reflect on the confessions of today I am happy to say that I am proud to be me. I am a big bundle of awkward at times, full of my doubts and insecurities but I am God's "special" child. I am His short bus rider!!! I am a work in progress always striving to get further and further away from crazy and closer and closer to Him because as I decrease He increases. I hope to one day be like the one that looks in the mirror but does not see his own reflection but the reflection of His Grace. And I hope that you too will one day look at me and not see me but merely a reflection of Him in me.

Good Day!!!
Helena

"made a wrong turn once or twice
dug my way out , blood and fire
bad decisions, thats alright
welcome to my silly life

mistreated, this place misunderstood
miss knowing its all good
it didn't slow me down.
miss taken , always second guessing
underestimated, look im still around"

All Natural

As some of you know I have started dabbling in the art of making homemade laundry detergent. But what most of you do not know is that I am totally loving it!!! I clearly do not get out much and find that it does not take much to entertain me... a good book, a radio preferably with 80's or early 90's hits playing, and making detergent. Be still my beating heart.

I have always aired on the side of being more natural. There was a time when my budget was much larger and we ate little to no processed food, eating out was not the norm, and my children knew that water was the only option. My budget is now not as friendly, life is much busier, and convenience has taken over. I am not happy about this but at this point there is not much I can do about it. We have adjusted to eating what is on sale and that has changed the dynamic quite a bit. I have been known to spend the upwards of $20 on frozen veggies when they are on sale because they are closer to fresh then canned. I buy fresh fruit but only what is on sale that week and in season. So stepping into this role of making my own natural laundry detergent feels like I am getting back to my roots.

Now that I am getting back to my more natural roots I have also started looking at other things I can do to save money while maintaining a more pure lifestyle. I do not currently garden, I grew up around it but have not maintained my own garden in years. I also have not canned anything since childhood. I have fond memories of canning tomatoes, green beans, okra, beans, etc. I loved the work of it, I enjoyed knowing that this was the fruit of my labor. Since we are entering into the winter months and harvesting the crops has passed gardening will be a project for a later time. But during this time I have decided that I am going to start making other all natural household and personal products. Now that I have the detergent system in place I am going to venture out and try making my own body wash/shower gel. The concepts are almost the same so I do not anticipate any issues with making all natural body wash. I am also going to be making the gifts that we will be giving to our families for Christmas. They will hopefully be excited because normally they do not get anything besides a card with a picture of our family on it, so this is an upgrade!!

Embracing a more natural lifestyle or returning to it is not about cutting out everything processed or not enjoying a meal out. It is simply about knowing what we are putting in our bodies, on our bodies and around our bodies. I must admit that I love Coke!!! I did not drink anything but water for years, except on special occasions. So this is not me saying that things are bad but it is me saying that I need to be more aware of what we are in taking. There are those that knew me years ago that thought that I was at times extreme in my practices. For years I did not allow my children to have more then 4oz of juice a day, milk was only for cereal and cooking, a fruit and/or veggie was served with every meal, and candy/cake/sugary foods were for birthdays ONLY. I had a friend tell me once that she always knew what I would serve at my children's birthday parties, pizza because it feeds a lot of people for cheap and fresh fruit salad. I was a little extreme about things to the point where my family was afraid to offer anything to the kids without my permission first. I am proud to say that I am not that extreme anymore. I do still limit the juice and milk but I allow the kids to enjoy candy, ice cream, cake on a more regular basis.  Hey, I let them get the free cookie every time we go to the grocery store!!!

If any of you are interested in some of this laundry detergent let me know because I am selling it as well as using it. Or if you want to learn more about ways that you too can save some money and cut down on the processed lifestyle that most of us maintain I will gladly share my ideas of how to get started.

I am going to go indulge in a Coke now!!! Baby Steps... Baby steps.

Deep Thoughts Never Shared

In an earlier blog I shared where my life was at this time last year. This morning I came across some journal entries from around the same time and I have decided to share them as my blog entry today. I know several people who have been going through similar situations as I was a year ago and they may not know how to verbalize or even understand all the emotions they are experiencing. Maybe by reading some of what I was going through they can get a little clarity or maybe a little peace. These entries are raw and hard for me to read even now so please read them with grace and understanding not judgement.

"Tonight as I walk through this house and take in the view I realize life does go on, but it doesn't always go where you thought it would go. Life takes turns when you want to go straight and straightens out when you are in the midst of turning.

This is not an easy road, being alone, realizing what that means. How do you do something you've never done before? How do you plan for the future when it is so dark you cannot even imagine it? Fear is not a factor nor is doubt but uncertainty has a way of pushing those things on you. It is not the fear of being alone it's wondering if I will be good at it. I'm not sixteen closing the door on a small relationship, I am a mother making choices that affect so much more than myself. To weigh in the balance all the unknowns, all the possibilities as well as all the risks, it's crazy.

Do I do what everyone says I should do and possibly detour myself again? Or do I hold tight to what I have the leading to do? The opinion of others is weighing so heavy on me. How can I please them but remain true to this? Why do I even care what they think? Who are they anyways? The mob of people who only see the surface of the issue and assume it is resolved through a few steps in the right direction. What if the chapter is done, door closed and I am only fighting to keep it open for someone else's desire or approval. So much has happened yet so much remain hidden. How to make them understand without revealing all that should stay buried? This battle rages inside of me daily... Let it close or fight to pry it open?

I do not generally seek mans approval but it feels as if everyone has or wants a stake in this claim. How do I not let their opinions weigh on me? How do I separate myself from their view of me? Have they walked this road? Have they felt this pain? Have they faced the obstacles that I am facing? How can they say which way is right or wrong? How can they choose sides when they don't know all there is to know? Oh the pressure to please and be pleasing... horrible pressure. I cannot make everyone happy I cannot even make me happy. I wish their opinions, their thoughts, and their ideals would get off me. This is not your life, it's not your fight. Keep your opinion of my choices to yourself. I struggle enough with my own mind, my own thoughts that I don't need to struggle with yours too.

Peace... does anyone even care that I have peace? Do they care that I am the one that remained? I am the one who had to pick up the pieces, though it was God who gave me the strength. I am the one who held it together for the kids while life was crashing in on me. Do they know about the nights I didn't sleep, cried for hours and begged God to just give me rest? Do they know about the agony my heart bared and how I felt that without God I would not be able to take my next breath. They don't know how hard it was to smile in the midst of the crowd while loneliness was eating me alive."

The next entry is a few days later...

"Life has a way of dealing you some tough blows. But how we respond to those blows is how we find out what we are made of, where our foundations lie.

As I embark on a journey unlike any other I have been on before I realize this will possibly be the most difficult. This journey could bring an end to my life as I know it. This journey could be the ending of a chapter, the closing of a door per say. Most journey's begin at the beginning but mine feels as though it is beginning at the end. The story has been told, plots unfolded, climax in place but how to wrap it up... find the closure? How do you tie up the loose ends of what has become your life? How do you close the cover on your own story?

I find peace in knowing that my whole life story is not made up of just these events, it does not consist of just what has already come. I have more pages to write in this book called life. More mountains to climb, valley's to cross, and battles to win. But to feel an end come to a chapter you thought was the core of your story is hard. Where to begin again? Where to find the next path or direction to take?

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end... closing time.""

As I said before, maybe my ability to verbalize my thoughts and emotions will help someone else on a similar journey. Praying for all of you that read this and are walking a similar road, praying you find comfort and peace.

Overload

Today I am experiencing writer's block but not in the usual way. I have so many thoughts and idea's racing through this brain of mine that I have no idea where to start. Should I do a more interactive blog post today? Should I discuss some of the blogs that I follow and why? Maybe I should discuss my new business venture as well as my couponing techniques and the benefits of both? I am totally clueless. So I am just gonna give a brief synopsis of my day and let that be that.

There are days whenever I feel as though I have accomplished nothing. It will be 4pm and I am still in my pajama's and I look around and nothing is different then it was when the kids pulled me out of bed that morning. On those days I feel empty and wonder what is going on with me. I know that there is something deeper going on when days like that occur but that topic is for another day and another blog posting.

Today was not one of those days & I am exhausted because I did a lot. But as I look around I again cannot see much change to my surroundings, probably because of the four children and husband that take up residence here. I hate days like today where I feel like I have put so much of myself into accomplishing a task to only go to bed and feel like my efforts were in vain. I spent the day tackling another stack of dishes, picking up random items that have taken up residence in random places, teaching lessons that may or may not have sunk in, talking baby talk, playing peek a boo, kissing boo boos, wiping noses, and wondering all the while if I should change my name from Mom to some name that the kids don't know. I have heard "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" more times than I can count. I have not peed in peace in years. On days like this I remind myself that this is for a season and that this season will pass all too quickly and when it does I will miss it. At this current moment I cannot see that far ahead and missing it seems unlikely.

I read a blog by a fellow blogger that discussed the shoes that we all wear in life and how we wear different shoes at different stages. If I was to describe my footwear for this season I would have to say that they are primarily flip flops but I should invest in some running shoes. I wear flip flops because they are easy to put on and require no work. I am putting on shoes of so many other's that I want simplicity when it comes to putting on my own. Today as I left for the grocery store after cooking and serving dinner I slipped into my all too familiar flip flops and thought this is where life is for me at this moment. I do not need anything complicated or fancy I just need convenience. This mindset has also taken hold of my wardrobe, my makeup, and my hairstyle. Convenience wins out.

So as I sit here with my head full of so many thoughts and random ideas spilling unto the pages of this blog I take hold of convenience and accept this phase with passion. I am the sweeper of the cheerios, the boo boo kisser, the laundry lady, the chef, the teacher, the disciplinarian, the baby talker, the voice of the latest character in their favorite book. I know that my time is not in vain and that everything I give is leaving an impression. On days like this when my work feels wasted I smile and know that one day everything sacrificed will be worth it. To all you moms out there just know that someone sees all you do and that your work is not in vain. Here is a song for all of us...

Somebody's Hero

Detoured but not Derailed

Today I find myself reminded of a sermon our Pastor once preached about how God has a plan for everyone of our lives but that sometimes we get off the path that God designed.

I know that all of us have made mistakes, said the totally wrong thing at the totally wrong time, or just simply made a complete fool of ourselves. For me those events replay in my mind like reruns from a canceled sitcom. I find myself going over the event in my mind over and over playing the shoulda, coulda, woulda game with myself and imagining a different outcome. I say "If only I would of done this..." "If only I had not said that..." "If I could do it again I would have done it like this..." There are so many "If onlys" out there that I could probably write a book entitled "If Only..." but that is a waste of my time and a battle that my mind should not participate in.

Sometimes in life we make decisions that cause us to be in circumstances that are not ideal. Sometimes the consequences of our bad decisions are life long and sometimes they are just momentary but the affects of those decisions can still get us off track. I have made decisions that at the time seemed like the hardest decision to make but the outcome didn't really cause a change in my course of direction. But other times I have made decisions that have made me feel like not only am I derailed but I have completely crashed and burned. Man it sucks to feel like you have crashed and burned but it feels even worse whenever you feel as though the whole world is watching.

I know that I have taken several detours along the way and that there are several areas and situations in my life that are less than ideal. I have made decisions that will have lasting affects and at times I ask myself "Why did you make such a stupid choice?" But honestly asking that question does not lessen the affects of the choice or change the circumstances but it does cause me to feel more regret and pain for my mistake. This is something that I have to work on daily... I tend to be a very harsh judge of myself and set goals that are often unobtainable. A better way to say it is I set myself up for failure.

I think that there are many of us that set ourselves us for failure and disappointment, but are we really willing to admit to it? We find excuses for everything that we do not succeed at without taking responsibility for our own self sabotage. How many times I have heard someone say "I didn't get that job because of..." Well maybe they didn't get the job because they represented themselves poorly or they weren't properly prepared but instead of saying that they have to excuse it away.  I know that there have been many things in my life that I have sabotaged for myself, opportunities that I have hindered because of my own actions. I have found that I did these things because I did not feel deserving of the potential benefits that could come with those opportunities. I allowed myself to be so deceived by wrong thinking that I shut doors that God opened... I detoured myself. I made the trip around the block a little but longer and a whole lot harder then it had to be all because of wrong thinking.

Today we were somewhere and I found myself once again having the thoughts of shoulda, coulda, woulda, and if only. I even at one point allowed myself to dwell on those thoughts which in turn caused me to feel self loathing and self pity. But as I step back and put things into perspective I can say with all honesty "Yes I have detoured the plan but I am not derailed." I have not gotten so far off the path that I can't get back on it. I may have to work a little harder and a little longer to get around this road block but I can get there, with God I can get there. I am so thankful that there is never anything that I can do that will truly derail me along the way. I can never get too far away or too lost that I cannot find my way back. And I only know that because I know a God that builds tracks around detours and repairs broken spots along the way. He made a promise to never leave us nor forsake us and I hold tight to that promise. I said proudly today that I may be detoured but I am never derailed...

Some gave all...

Today as we recognize Veteran's Day I think of so many great men & women who have served our country. But I also think of the liberties and freedoms that they have fought to protect.

I do not take for granted the freedoms that we have or assume that I am entitled to them as so many young people do today. As I reflect on today I cannot help but think of the young people that assume because they are American that their rights are free. Nothing is free and everything comes with a cost. If you were to ask a mother or father of a soldier that did not come home from war they would say that a price was paid. How about the child of a fallen hero? They would say that everything comes at a cost.

I do not consider myself overly Patriotic but I do care a lot about paying respect to those who have served. We have a Memorial Day tradition at our house that I enjoy. Every year we rent war movies and then after watching them we discuss what we feel about the conflicts that were represented and the lives affected by the conflict. I love that I attend a very patriotic church that takes the time to honor our Servicemen both past and present. I cry every year whenever we sing the songs that represent each branch of the military as they stand. I love watching them stand, salute, and beam with pride. It makes me want to go join the ranks with the likes of the best.

So today as we have taken the time to recognize our Veteran's lets not forget what they truly represent. They are the force behind our freedom of speech. They are the protectors of our right to bear arms. And they are the ones that stand guard over this great nation that many take for granted. I say Thank You to all the Veteran's and active Servicemen/women out there. God Bless You & God Bless America!!!!

Confessions of a Not so SuperMom

Let me preface this post by saying if you are a Melancholy Personality or consider yourself a neat freak the images included in this blog may cause some anxiety.

So clearly I did not have an opportunity to update yesterday so today I will be updating twice. This post was the planned for yesterday but after waking up to a frightening sight clearly this post goes right along with today too.



Dishes in my sink this morning



I do not consider myself a SuperMom I relinquished that title years ago but only turned in the cape this year. I am a mother of 4 young children as some of you know. They are 7, 5, 3, & 3months. I did work outside of the home 20hrs a week until March of this year. I also home school my two school aged children, one of which is special needs for lack of a better term. We spend several hours a week outside of our home going back and forth to appointments and therapy sessions so my home is not what some would call kept up as you will see in the photos included in this post.

I have struggled for years with the fact that I am not Susie Homemaker because I feel surrounded by 100's of Perfect Housekeeper & award winning Susie Homemakers. But Let me say that this is my day of deliverance. So let's begin the Confessions:

Confession 1: I do not do dishes everyday. Sometimes I do not even do them every other day. Let's be honest here since this is confession time, there are times I do not do them all week and we eat off of paper plates. Now some of you just totally freaked out and could not imagine serving your family a meal on plates that you just throw away at the end. Me on the other hand find peace in throw away plates. There have been times that I have not gotten to the dishes in a sufficient amount of time and found very scary things at the bottom of the sink. Now that you know the truth I can be set free.



My Laundry Room Floor



Confession 2:  I hate laundry. Let me say that again, I HATE LAUNDRY!!!! How in the world can little people have so much laundry? I do not understand. So again let me explain where I stand in the battle against the monster I call laundry aka The Devil. I attempt to do laundry several times a week because a single laundry day is not realistic for me. With so many outside commitments that cannot be dropped one day cannot be devoted to just laundry. So as of this morning I have 6 loads that need to be washed and at least that many that need to be folded and put away. As all of my children run around the house in pajamas because nothing else is available I am aware that I must attempt to do battle once again with "The Devil."

Confession 3:  I am not a good steward of my temple and I generally don't care. At this very moment I am weighing in at 144lbs. Yes I did it, I posted my actual weight. For some of you 144lbs does not seem like much but for other's this is a number that you hope to never see. This is the biggest that I have every been which really is not that big but let me remind you that I am barely 5'2 so for me this is considered moderately obese per some weight loss sights. So in regards to my weight I say it is what it is. I am currently breastfeeding and will be for the next 10 months. I did just have a baby within the last 12 weeks and I am older than I once was so the weight isn't just melting off like butter on a steaming hot roll. Instead it is hanging out. So as I squeeze into my size 8 jeans, sometimes size 10's I think this is life no point fighting it.



My son's bedroom

Confession 4: I am not a Supermom. The photo you see in this confession is what I was awaken to this very morning. My children needed a Hot Wheel so terribly bad that toppling over the dresser was necessary. Let me confess that for a moment I felt myself slipping into crazy, But I took a deep breathe and then took a picture. In 20 years when my children are parents this will be comical and when they come to me with complaints of their own unruly children I will remind them of this day and the many others like this one. I have generally well behaved children and do fully believe in discipline so do not assume that I am a parent that let's my children run wild, I am actually quite the opposite. I am at times a screamer and at other times I am an ignorer. Then there are times when I am sitting with the kids reading books and feeling like I am the best mom in the world.

I confessed these things today to set some people free from self condemnation and to honestly set myself free from it as well. The Bible says that "The truth will set us free" so here I am telling the truth about what happens or doesn't happen behind closed doors. As women we always assume that every other woman, mother, wife, etc has it all together. They have perfectly spotless homes without a dish in the sink or one piece of unfolded laundry. Their children are angels and adore them. And they are always put together, never struggle with their weight, and just wake up that beautiful. Well I am here to say that none of those things are true, there are exceptions to the rule of course. We assume that whatever it is that we struggle with is what every other women is mastering. So by doing that we fall into the trap of self condemnation and allow the devil (the actual devil not "The Devil" of laundry.) to plant seeds in our lives that create low self worth and jealousy. Some of these seeds take root and then we separate ourselves from who we believe to be "SuperMom" or "SuperWife" or "SuperWhatever" because we feel as though we do not measure up. But what we do not realize is that by separating ourselves we are losing out on relationships that God intends for us to have. God is into the relationship business not isolation. When we isolate ourselves we also allow depression to take hold.

As women we should love and encourage those that may be struggling without judgement. We should be coming beside those new moms that seem to be falling behind. We should remember that as women we are not in competition with each other, this is not supposed to be a one-up event but a friendship.  By showing you life behind my four walls I am stripping away the things that I have assumed about all of you and saying this is real life. I have struggled with feeling as if I do not measure up, I have isolated myself from relationships or opportunities to have relationships because of my own personal insecurities. Not anymore, my "dirty laundry" has been exposed as well as my real life dirty laundry.

I hope that you are encouraged by this post today and that you can realize that all of us really are "SuperMoms", "SuperWives" or "Superwhatevers." if we are children of the Most High God!!

God is Gracious

 While rocking Jensen to sleep this morning my mind began to wander back to this time last year. I could not help but consider how life is so very different this year than last year. For starters, Jensen is here and he was not even conceived at this point last year. So that is a huge change and possibly the most significant change. But without the other changes Jensen being here would never have happened.

Right at a year ago I was facing an uphill battle in every area of my life. I was a mom with 3 kids trying to navigate life as a single person in the midst of a very crazy divorce. I had just moved me & the kids to a new home, taken on extra time at work to make ends meet, and wondering where it had all gone wrong. So there I was trying to hang on to the threads of my quickly deteriorating existence. (I only knew myself as a wife and a mother you see, so my existence was wrapped up in those two things. And for me I could not be one without the other, they were interlocked.) As I am trying to keep things from slipping out of control another blow is thrown and I begin to question my ability to do all of this. We were told that Everett, then 2 yrs old, possibly had leukemia and were sent immediately to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital to undergo testing. So as I drive to the hospital with Everett in the backseat and Jerry following behind in his car I can barely hold it together. All I can think is "Really God? Really? I am about to be divorced. I have little to no income, Emma has only been out of the hospital for 7wks. I cannot do this. Seriously God, what is going on?" Anger begins to fill my mind as fear tries to overtake me. I want to scream, cry, punch something or someone but of course I can't, Everett is watching. So I smile and say to myself "Just fake it til you make it." That day was very hard on so many levels. All things turned out to be fine with Everett but I remained shaken.

Within a few short days after that incident Jerry and I entered into a very intense round of discussion about where things were heading. We had gone to counseling yet we were still on the path to divorce; which was not what either of us wanted but neither of us knew how to repair things. So as we discussed the impending future we found common ground, something that had been missing for far too long. That common ground became our new start and a friendship began again. Within a few short weeks of that new start Jerry had his first weekend back home and more common ground was discovered. As we took steps towards friendship bridges began to form and hope became possible. And as hope became possible love began to return. Jerry moved home for good within a matter of weeks and we started down the journey of healing and reconciliation.

It was during that journey that we found out about Jensen. I can say with all honesty that I was scared beyond belief when we found out that we were pregnant, the timing was not ideal. But seeing Jerry's response made the timing not so bad. As we started preparing for our new arrival Jerry and I talked a lot about grace. What grace was, why it mattered so much to us personally, and how grace is so undeserved. So when it came time to pick a name for our sweet little man we did what all expecting parents do, we made a list of every name we liked. Slowly we discussed them but nothing seemed to fit. I had mentioned the name Jensen to Jerry early on in the naming process but he quickly checked it off the list. Well one day while eating breakfast Jerry is reading the sports section and casually says "What do you think about the name Jensen?" I casual smirk and remind him of his dismissal of the name just weeks prior but I also looked up what the Jensen meant. As I began to read aloud the meaning of the name I started to cry. Jensen means God is Gracious... wow!!! There it was, the perfect name. A name that embodied exactly what we had experienced, Grace. So it was settled our little man officially had a name, Jensen Lee which means God is Gracious and Loving.

So while rocking Jensen Lee today I was not reminded of pain from a year ago but of grace and love. Webster's Dictionary tells us that grace is goodwill, favor, compassion, a showing of kindness. It even says that grace can be interpreted as God's love towards man. Jerry and I chose the name Jensen for what it means to us but grace at that level is not just limited to us. As you see Jensen in these pictures think of how God has been gracious to you. Think of how you may have been so undeserving but God extend His wonderful grace and love out and met you where you were. And if you are in need of some grace think of us and let our experience be an example of grace.

My First Attempt

Hello Blog Readers and welcome to my first attempt at blogging. Is blogging a word? Who cares? Anyways... Well I have set out on this blogging journey in an attempt to explore my writing abilities. Hopefully this will be both an insightful and successful journey, successful in what way I do not quite know but successful at the least.

Did you notice the books in the background of this blog? Books are probably an odd thing to place as a background photo but books are a true description of myself. Books are an important part of what makes me who I am. When I have a question I find a book that has the answer. When I do not know how to do something I locate the book that can teach me. When knowledge is lacking there is always a book for that. Books have brought friendships, adventure, sadness, love, & every other emotion to life. Sometimes the book is "An Idiots Guide to..." or it is simply "Llama Llama Red Pajama."

Books for me are an outline to my life. I still own books that I was once required to read in school but after reading them I found that it was more than required reading it was recreational reading. As I sit here and reflect on the hundreds possibly even thousands of books that I have read stories begin to come alive. I see characters take form in my imagination as there lives are played out on the pages of these beloved books. Some books have been read only once while others clearly show overuse. There are books that I hold so near and dear that I can read them over and over without hesitation although I can recite them from memory. The characters in these books feel as though they are a part of my family, possibly a close friend that only visits on special occasions. These characters feel at times as though they are a part of me, close enough to touch or talk to by merely picking up the phone. I cry with them, rejoice with them, and feel anger towards their nemesis'. Books for me are not simply books they are chapters in my story, they are part of the book that is me. They have become a part of myself...

Being an only child for a large potion of my life books were my companions, my confidants, and most of all my escape. Books allowed me to forget about the life that was outside of their pages. I lived the lives of the heroines, I fought the battles with the hero's, I journeyed with the traveler's. I can remember reading one book in particular about a young boy that discovers his home was a part of Underground Railroad. He explored the tunnels and tried to imagine himself as a slave. Here I am a young, very pale skinned, red haired green eyed white girl imagining myself as a slave girl traveling the Underground Railroad in search of a better life. Comical I know but this is what books were and still are to me.

Books are where I begin and end. If you need a recommendation on a book I can probably give one. If you need to borrow a book I probably have it.